It’s not easy getting a gift for the best Scottish actor that has ever lived. But we put our heads together and came up with some seriously good ideas. Here they are, in ascending order. 10. Personalized Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones

When I was putting together this mornings DVDs that don't suck post, I saw something interesting on Amazon's new releases page. Right above the Elisha Cuthbert rom com, My Sassy Girl was a $40 DVD called "The Best of Penis Massage." Of course I clicked on it, forever ruining my Amazon recomendations for the sake of a laugh.

Jail is not a place I ever want to go. Sure, they probably wouldn't make me race for my life like they did in Death Race, but there would almost certainly be raping and that's not for me, thanks. But jail is different in the movies and these 8 guys might make pretty good cellmates. 8. Lt. Gen. Eugene Irwin from The Last Castle

We're only one week away from an avalanche of good TV premieres, so I wouldn't go crazy buying DVDs this week unless you're in some kind of full-body cast. But there is some good stuff dropping. Here are the highlights.

Heroes: Season 2

Episode: "Head Cheese". After last week's big happenings, things slowed down for this episode, probably so they can get everyone into position for the last two episodes of the season. It looks like some shit is about to go down. Nancy:

Man, she’s so pretty it kind of hurts. And not only that, she went to Yale. And she’s in the new Fast and Furious movie, which I have to wait until 2009 to see. Did I mention how pretty she is? Man.

With last night's closing ceremonies, the 2008 Beijing Olympics closed out one of the highest rated TV events in the history of the idiot box. We're all guilty of watching at least some of it, but now it's time to get back to business as usual. That business, of course, is not giving a crap about anything even remotely Olympics related.

You can lament the time wasted in your youth, your shitty attention span in elementary school, the rattail that you had when you were in middle school, the girls that you could have screwed in high school but you didn’t, the girls that you could have screwed in college but you still didn’t.

Reviews of Guy Ritchie's upcoming Brit crime flick are already sneaking out, but I'm refusing to read them. I'm convinced this movie is going to be his return to form and that it is possible to go back to being awesome, even after Madonna has been sucking the life out of you for the past few years. And I don't mean suck in the totally awesome way.

Weed, porn and illegal labor alone account for more than 10% of the American economy. Add weapons manufacturing, prostitution, and other assorted drugs into the mix and you’re looking at a significant portion of every dollar spent. The “shadow economy” is very well hidden. Luckily we have films to give us an insider’s view.

Episode 5, “The New Girl” starts off with Pete Campbell and his wife at the doctor. The doc is smoking a cigarette and discussing fertility issues with the couple, who are having some trouble with making a baby.

Here we are at the warm, gross dregs of the summer movie season where somewhat decent movies come to mingle with the crap, begging audiences for their money like cinematic homeless people. The Rocker is every bit as funny as Step Brothers.

Episode: "A Bomb in the Garden." I'm a little sad that our time with recon is over, even if the last episode didn't exactly hit me with a mortar shell of awesomeness. What happened?

Last weekend was sort of lame for new releases. This weekend has a shot at redemption with four possibilities. The tee-vee also holds a little magic in the world of shows we are currently enjoying. But do yourself a favor—if you have not seen the first few episodes, make a friend with On Demand.   IN THE THEATRE

Nicolas Cage's last venture into the land of comic movies was the epicly sucky Ghost Rider, so excuse me if I'm not super excited about the upcoming, Kick-Ass. It's the story of a high school kid who turns himself into some kind of super hero. His power seems to be the ability to pick the worst super hero name of all time.

This one is HOT off the wires people. We found out this morning that Seth Rogan is defiantly not in talks with Warner Brothers to write and star in forthcoming remake of Superman.

As if Harry Potter hadn't pissed me off enough already with his crappy movies and chubby, cape-wearing fans, now he's making us all wait an extra week for the new James Bond flick.

Rather than reviewing Jason Statham's latest explosion fest in my own voice, I'm going to use the voice of the frat dude that was sitting behind me at the midnight showing I attended last night. Please note that caps lock is used to emphasize both the frat guy's excitement and the movie's resemblance to a fun, 89-minute Mountain Dew commercial.

Not a lot of info yet…Airs Sept 28th, 2008 @11pm on HBO

The Simpsons has been churning out funny episodes since before some of you were born. Sure, it has had its ups and downs, but, ultimately, no show has turned out more laughs. Some of us have spent more time with this four-fingered, yellow family than we have with our own families and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into some nerdy blog where we pine over plastic X-men or anything, but these limited edition Simpsons figures from hipster savior, Kidrobot would definitely look good all over my desk. Of course, $8 seems a little steep for a 3-inch vinyl figure, when it comes to art, I would definitely rather spend my dough on these than some painting.

Last night I saw Vicky Christina Barcelona with my girlfriend. It is a movie about how confused women go to Europe and are lured into unhygienic relationships with sensitive artist-types, and then end up either 1) cheating on their fiance, or 2) having a three-way.

I feel bad for Mike Judge after what happened to Idiocracy. The studios screwed the movie up and then didn't bother releasing in theaters to anyone who wanted to see it. Maybe he'll get some better treatment for Extract, which starts shooting next Monday.

The last time I checked, Ridley Scott was going to direct the big screen adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s Blood Meridian. But when I looked at the IMDB page this morning, it had Todd Field’s name in the director spot.  This is good, because he’s probably way more capable of retaining the gritty feel that the movie needs to be true to the book. 

I'm not a devoted Veronica Mars fan like a lot of people gushing over this news seem to be. But it wasn't a bad show, and if the rumors are true that the series is going to get a full-length movie then I'll certainly see it.

Fall TV is an exciting time. There are lots of new shows to be watched and complain about. But, one of the best things about the fall premieres is getting to see the new crop of beautiful ladies being paraded across our TV screens. Here's a cheat sheet of girls you might not be familiar with….yet.

The star of The Hills recently told a reporter for E! that she believes her success is due to God liking her:

Holy pre teen acne.  I had no idea that Fred Durst was directing a family movie. It’s rated PG and has ICE CUBE IN IT.  It’s rated PG. It’s called The Longshots.  It’s rated PG. Fred Durst was in Limp Bizkit. I hated Limp Bizkit.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell tell you that I think The Fast and the Furious is an extremely fun and easy to watch movie. No, it's not Bullitt, but it's not Biker Boyz, either. That said, I'm still not sure how to feel about Vin Diesel's plan to direct a 20-minute sequel connecting the first and the fourth installments of the franchise.

How many distraught, letter-writing Harry Potter fans does it take to change a light-bulb? None, because letters from pathetic fanboys (and girls) don't change anything.