Yes, they made it, okay? They made a porn parody of "The Golden Girls," that show about four old women, three of which have passed, and the other who the Internet won't leave alone. You all walk around with your heads held high like you're sooooooo superior and don't have a GILF fetish. Now if it were called "Golden Shower Girls" I'd understand why you wouldn't want to watch. Except for the sickos, of course. Not that there's anything wrong with watching old women get peed on. No, I take that back. This may bite me in the ass when I run for political office, but I stand by the belief that it IS wrong to watch old women get peed on. Unless they're dead. Roll the footage!
I've already written about pornstars and Muppets this morning. What else is left to cover but giant space robots!After years of rumors and indecision, plans for a Voltron movie have been scrapped. However, fans need not worry, as they'll soon be able to get their nostalgia fix on the small screen. A reboot of the popular 80's cartoon is underway. The new series will air on Nicktoons, and will be rolled out alongside a brand new toy line.As cool as these new toys sound, times are tough. If you find that money is too tight, construct a homemade "Voltron" robot using wire hangers, your cat, and a soldering iron. But make sure your cat is either asleep or dead before you start the soldering, or it's going to get really pissed off. I recommend using Benadryl and a brick, respectively. (Cinema Blend)
Take notes, boys. THIS is how you peacock.In news that is sure to make you say, "Hrrmm, yeah. That's okay. I guess," Christopher Mintz-Plasse and David Tennant have joined Craig Gillespie's Fright Night remake. The pair will use their soft joke-fingers to comically-relieve and tug the laughter out of audiences. Gently at first, but then harder and faster as the film approaches its climax.Tennant will play Peter Vincent, a character who in the original movie was played by Roddy McDowall as the host of a late-night horror show. In the remake, he’s a Las Vegas magician whose show revolves around horror-movie imagery. Vincent claims to be a vampire expert, but when the teen turns to him for assistance, he’s less than helpful. Mintz-Plasse is playing Evil Ed, Yelchin’s friend who feels slighted that Charlie has left his nerdy past behind and thus joins the vampire’s coven. In my experience you need to be careful when a middle-aged man dresses in a cape and claims to be a vampire expert. Last time I did that, the chubby teens at the Hot Topic turned me in to mall security. (THR)
When it comes to gifts, what do you get the man who has everything? The answer: a new Muppet movie!Disney has announced the latest installment from Kermit and the gang will hit theaters on Christmas Day, 2011, just in time for the Christ child's birthday.Writen by Jason Segel and directed by "Flight of the Conchords" co-creator James Bobin, the project is aimed at introducing the Muppets to a whole new generation of fans.According to Variety, the film will be up against Steven Spielberg's Adventures of Tintin and Cameron Crowe's We Bought a Zoo, both of which can kiss my ass. It's Muppet time, bitches! Wakka Wakka Wakka!
Eat your heart out, Sasha Grey. And since you're here, eat your fart out, as well. Tee-hee!Pornstar Belladonna has landed her first role in a mainstream movie. The adult starlet is set to appear in Stripped, a new horror film which follows three young boys "trapped in a house with a 'family' of malevolent women." We can only assume that Belladonna will play the part of Nelson Mandela.For those of you unfamiliar with Belladonna's work (like myself), she is the Steve Buscemi of the porn industry. What she lacks in the looks department she makes up for with raw talent and determination. And just like Steve, she's not afraid to take a fist in her "ying-ling" or her "who-ha." Wait, does Steve even have a "who-ha?" And what's a "ying-ling?" Oh….oh god!You're a filthy whore, Steve Buscemi. A filthy, filthy whore. (Cinema Blend)
Reunited and it feels so good.Check out these links with your homicidal mother. 'The Karate Kid': Where Are They Now? (Moviefone)'Twin T*tties' Bar Event Celebrates Boobies (Asylum)Stephen Baldwin Talks Oil Spill, Palin, and Obama (PopEater)Sword-Wielding Porn Actor Dies (FilmDrunk)5 Rules of Strip Club Etiquette (HolyTaco)'Die Hard' Is Far More Hilarious in Japan (Unreality)11 Sickest Chill and Banger Songs Vol. One (BroBible)12-Year-Old Grabs Bull By The Horns (TotalProSports) Hollywood's Hottest Rides (Maxim)Fighters Union Needs To Unite (CagePotato)Rob Pats Cancels Appearance Due to Hemorrhoids (CelebJihad)40 Motivational Speeches in Two Minutes (Smosh)15 Most Popular Cult Movies Of The Last 5 Years (Pajiba)Loman's Deathmobiles (Atom)How To Know Not To Get Married (MadeMan)31 Of The Most Unusally Labeled Engery Drinks (RegretfulMorning)
He'll be like this but older and with web stuff. Bleeding Cool is at it again with the Spider-Man reboot casting rumors. They're reporting that the role is pretty much Jamie Bell's (Billy Elliot's), as long as he passes the studio's turn and cough tests:I’m told that Jamie Bell was scheduled to fly into California this week. The plan is that he will be undergoing a few weeks of camera tests while simultaneously working with a personal trainer to ensure he is able to perform some of the more spider-like stunts that will be required of him. However this is being considered a formality.Frank Dillane is still being considered for the role, but he appears to be Sony’s back up plan. Unless something goes very wrong, I understand that Bell will be playing the Spider-Man role. To the extent that Jamie has been heard referred to as Spider Man in casual conversation around Sony.I'd like to think those casual conversations go a little something like this:Studio Exec: I bet the new Spider-Man Jamie Bell doesn't have as tight of an ass as you.Attractive Assistant: My parents keep telling me I should quit this job.Studio Exec checks email on Blackberry. End scene.
Much like a transient hobo, a mysterious video appeared online today and wagged it's weiner at all of us leaving us bemused. We're not really sure if this has anything to do with Warner Bros. planned Mortal Kombat reboot or the next game in the series. What we do know is that someone dragged the Mortal Kombat mythos through the Saw garden and brought Black Dynamite and Seven of Nine along for the ride. Still, it's interesting to see a grittier, more realistic take on the source material. Or as realistic as a movie featuring a brain-eating reptile man, a knife-armed plastic surgeon, and a washed-up action star turned cop can be. Hey, Steven Seagal did it. Wagged his weiner at people, I mean. Whatever, at least ninjas aren't raining from the sky. (Kotaku) Check it out after the jump and be the judge. Ridiculous movie or expensive videogame?
Everyone hated the last Indiana Jones so the only rational thing to do is make another one. You know, as like an apology and stuff. The Kiwi (New Zealand) side of Stuff Magazine has the scoop on the Indy 5 plot details that you hoped would never surface: The new film will be Ford's last, and a return to the series' roots (meaning less state of the art visual effects) after the last entry failed to resonate with fans. (According to a mysterious source) Indy's going to The Bermuda Triangle: "Indiana Jones 5 will begin shooting next year, and much of the plot line will be centered around the Bermuda Triangle, an area over the North Atlantic Ocean where a number of aircraft are said to have disappeared (and definitely not because of f*cking aliens)." Stuff goes on to add that, according to their (soooo mysterious) source, "George (Lucas) and Steven (Spielberg) have been working on a script and it's almost there." They also report that "Harrison is on stand-by for filming next year. This looks like being an emotional and exciting conclusion to the franchise, with Indy facing his biggest challenge yet." As you can infer by the cited cloaked source, this news is somewhere in between a rumor and a fart in the wind. The only info I gravitated toward was that Harrison Ford is standing-by for filming. At least cook something! Jeez, Harrison…
Michael Fassbender is slated to be Comic-Con royalty one way or another. After breaking out big in Inglourious Basterds and The Hunger, Fassbender is now being eyed both for Matthew Vaughn's X-Men: First Class and Sony/Marc Webb's Spider-Man reboot. However, according to Showbiz411, he can only do one.If he chooses X-Men, he'd know full well how f***ing magnets work as he'd be playing Magneto opposite James McAvoy's Professor X. Should he choose the Spider-Man reboot, he'd play an unspecified villian who squares off against a teen-aged Peter Parker. I'd prefer to see him as Magneto, as he's an all-around great character whose extreme actions you can sympathize with. The most compelling villain in the Spider-Man universe dresses like an octopus.
Joe Carnahan's The A-Team comes out this Friday. We'll be posting our review later in the week, but there's one thing I can tell you right now about the film: there are absolutely no midgets in it. Not even one. Luckily, Break remade the famous intro and cast little people as Hannibal, Face, Murdock, and B.A. It's big on action, short on stature. Check out The Lowercase a-Team after the jump.
Sooooo someone's making Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors. There's a casting call for it on Craigslist, which means I can only assume it's absolutely legit. You want to audition? Shave and oil your legs and slip those flippers on for your big shot on July 1st and 2nd. "Actors with mermaid and under water acting experience are highly desirable." The synopsis straight from the source:"The film begins moments after the sinking of the Titanic. All who have drowned are brought back to life by a futuristic race of mermaids, called the Mantocks, who welcome the humans to their underwater paradise. Soon after, JACK DAWSON is elected king of the underwater humans. DAWSON requests that all humans be returned above water, a request that is denied by KING MANTROCK. The humans are slowly brainwashed into worshiping their mermaid saviors. Meanwhile, the sunken TITANIC has become a haunted underwater wasteland inhabited by RAGGARO and his band of mermaid pirates. Will the humans ever free themselves from their mermaid slavery? Will the mermaid pirates wage war on Mantock?"I'm going to go out on a limb and say this could possibly be the best movie ever. When was the last time we saw a decent mermaid war waged on film, or video, or whatever they're going to shoot this thing on? I don't care what anyone says, tridents are a true mermaid man pirate's weapon of choice. Now let's take this sunken ship by force! **Stabs cheese cubes with three-pronged fork, dives into kiddy pool** (Cinematical)
Chillest family ever.Thanks to Kate Hudson, when you think Matthew McConaughey you don't automatically think comedy. You think beach yoga and Rogaine treatments. That hasn't stopped FX from picking up "Kick Ass Militia" from the bare-chested actor's production company J.K. Livin.Based on an idea from McConaughey's long-time friend JR Reed, "Kick Ass Militia" is a single-camera comedy about two brothers who butt heads on their Malibu compound. One is a survivalist and the other a free-loving cult leader. Think of it as "Two and a Half Men" with Ted Nugent replacing Jon Cryer. After hunting him for sport, of course. (Deadline)
2010 has been the year of the "ex-military heroes out to do good…or evil." With The Losers already having left the cineplex, The A-Team due out this Friday, and The Expendables arriving later in the summer, we've been inundated with rock 'em, sock 'em gub'ment agents turned rogue.We decided to take a closer look at how all our favorite groups of mercenaries (those that used to do government work, that is) are related to each other – in a sort of "on and off the silver screen" way.
Douche lovers around the world have been salivating since December when rumors of an "Entourage" movie began to surface. Now, producer Mark Wahlberg has laid out some specifics, saying that the show will most likely last two more seasons before it's made into a feature film. He also dropped hints about possible plans for a wildly original plot. "In the trailer, you see [Ari Gold and his associate, Lloyd] waking up together in Vegas not knowing what happened," Wahlberg imagined. "It would be pretty cool!" Jesus Christ? As long as we're blatantly ripping off Vegas movies, why not go the Casino route and have Vince and the gang beaten to death in a secluded cornfield? That would be even funnier than the time Drama banged the furry (LOL!), mainly because they'd all be bleeding and gasping for air (LMAO)! (First Showing)
Joe Carnahan's directing style (blowing things up punctuated by a character saying, "BOOM!," punctuated by boobs) has foolishly drawn the pity of Mr. T. The original B.A. Baracus saw an advance screening of The A-Team remake and was shocked by how graphic it is. T angrily yelled into a WENN reporter's tape recorder:"People die in the film and there's plenty of sex but when we did it, no one got hurt and it was all played for fun and family entertainment. These seem to be elements nobody is interested in anymore. It was too graphic for me. I've no doubt it will do big business at the box office but it's nothing like the show we turned out every week." Haha. I don't know about you but that quote just sold me on seeing the movie. Mr. T is a natural born salesman whether he tries to be or not. **eats a heaping spoonful of stale Mr. T cereal from 1986**
Goonies 2: Cruise ControlIn a recent interview with Movie Mikes, Corey Feldman pulled a Shia Lebeouf by trashing his last sequel, Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, and then immediately talking up the next installment, Lost Boys 3: The Thirst. That usally raises a red flag, but after watching the latest trailer for the film, all of my fears were put to rest…NOT!Yes, I just used a horribly outdated Wayne's World catch phrase. But at least Wayne's World had some relevance within the last 20 years. That's more than can be said for The Lost Boys, which hasn't been popular in over two decades.That's not to say Lost Boys 3 looks completely terrible. I'm sure it's a lot more palatable than the Twilight movies all those damn kids keep going on about. And the story of a group of vampire hunters raiding an LA nightclub in order to shoot and kill all of the undead patrons seems cool. It reminds me of a reoccurring dream I've been having, except for all the vampire stuff. (DreadCentral)
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Or Little Person Mr. T, if you wanna get all P.C. about it.
You can watch your unborn child on your new iPhone, yo!After Steve Jobs announced the release of the iPhone 4 today, he premiered the new commercial "FaceTime" directed by Sam Mendes of American Beauty and Road to Perdition fame. The spot showcases the video conferencing capabilities of the new slimmer device. You can now help your friends decide on what outfit to wear, or watch from across the world as your baby takes her first steps. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound depressing. This is advanced technology. Show me a smile!Check out the spot at Apple HERE.
Those concerned that the second season of "Jersey Shore" will be a played out attempt by network execs to squeeze more money out of their runaway hit, can rest easy. The first ten minutes of the second season is now online, and we learn quickly that the cast reunite for reasons much more shallow than money. Namely, free tanning. That's right. The combination of record snowfalls and Obama's 10% tax on tanning has sent the cast south to Miami for the winter. In this first glimpse, we find out what the newly-minted celebrities have been up to (banging), watch Paulie D and the Situation play with explosives, and Snooki take pickles to a whole 'nother, WHOLE 'NOTHER level. THIS SEQUEL DEFINITELY WON'T SUCK. CHECK IT OUT AFTER THE JUMP…
Justin Long and Mike White put together this amusing video in support of gay marriage. The message is simple: If you disagree with the homosexual lifestyle, why not overturn Prop 8 and make them get married, like the rest of us? Everyone deserves the right to be miserable and stuck in a monotonous blessed union. They also deserve the right to own a veiny penis surfboard. Check out the PSA after the jump.
I haven't been too impressed by what we've seen from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, but I'll admit I may have been too quick to judge. In this first clip we see Michael Cera attempt to square-off against Chris Evans's action-star Lucas Lee. Since Lee is a Hollywood A-lister, Pilgrim will have to contend with his team of stunt doubles first. It's a pretty clever clip and the fight choreography is pretty slick. Plus, it fulfills my post-Nick and Norah desire to see Michael Cera cracked over the head with a skateboard by a gang of Amish. Edgar Wright is a genius!Check out the clip after the jump…
This action movie montage by director/editor Jacob Bricca pretty much sums up what we love at Screen Junkies. Granted, it could have more gratuitous nudity in it, but the riotous 4 minutes of in your face action puts your body in fight or flight mode so you completely forget about sex and you only care about SURVIVAL!!! I don't want to ruin the video by explaining the explosions and punches with my words. Just watch it and get jacked up this Monday morning. It's like a coffee enema for your eyeballs. Or something. Strap in and check out the montage below.
For those who missed it, Aziz Ansari rented a child's tux and hosted the 2010 Extended Twilight Saga: Eclipse Commercial last night and it was off the (insert current slang)! Girls kissed for attention, Tom Cruise stole Ben Stiller's act, and some people went home with awards. And some of them weren't even in Twilight.The Twilight Saga: New Moon swept of course, taking home five awards for Best Picture, Best Male and Female Performance, Best Kiss, and the Global Superstar Award. Anna Kendrick picked up a Golden Popcorn for her breakout in Up In The Air, and Beyonce and Ali Larter won Best Fight for Obsessed. And good for them. Larter trained with Yuen Wo-ping for 4 months to learn how to properly rip a bitch's weave.FULL LIST OF "WINNERS" AFTER THE JUMP….
While Ghostbusters 3 is seeming less and less likely, another ghoul film from the 80's may be getting closer to a sequel. Actor Michael Keaton has expressed interest in reprising his role of Beetlejuice, the ghost with the most.When asked about the possibility, Keaton replied, "Absolutely, that's the one thing I'd love to do again." I would have guessed that the "one thing" Keaton would have chosen to revisit would have been Mr. Mom, or maybe Gung Ho. But that's just me.Considering his Beetle Juice co-star Geena Davis has already expressed interest, it's probably only a matter of time before a studio throws money at yet another 80's nostalgia project. Of course, this is provided Alec Baldwin isn't too busy with "30 Rock," and Winona Ryder isn't too busy shoplifting! Zing! That joke is just as relevant as it was nine years ago! (DeadCentral)
"Dream On," Lord Voldemort. Dream until your dreams come true.Despite all the f-bombs and phony homosexual make-out sessions, the MTV Movie Awards still managed to find something for the kids: a new trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. In the final installment of the franchise, Harry Potter prepares for the ultimate showdown with Lord Voldemort, better known as Aerosmith's Steven Tyler without the wig and prosthetic nose. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. Watch the new Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows trailer after the jump.
OMG! Did you see that Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson made out at the MTV Movie Awards!?! I was all like WTF? Then I was LMAO! And then I farted. If it was 1994, I guess this would have been shocking. But it's 2010, and thanks in no small part to MTV, our society has been desensitized to the point where Sandra would need to pull out a strap-on for anyone to bat an eye. In a world where hardcore lesbian pornography is only a "redtube" away, is this sort of "stunt" really necessary? Tune in next week for another minute with Andy Rooney. Watch Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johansson lock lips (not the good kind) after the jump (at the 4 minute mark).
"Kali ma… Kali ma… Kali ma, shakthi deh!"Sandra Bullock's trophy case is growing decreasingly impressive. The Oscar-winner is slated to receive the MTV Generation Award at tonight's Movie Awards, and picked up a "Troops Choice Entertainer Of the Year Award" at Spike TV Guy's Choice Awards last night."Let's be honest here, just for a moment. We're all going to be honest, right?" Bullock quipped. "Did I win this for being entertainer of the year, or did I win this because of the spectacular I.E.D. explosion that became my personal life?" This drew a hearty laugh for Sgt. First Class Santiago. And then a low, nervous laugh as his fingers absent-mindedly stroked the plastic where his thigh used to be.Ms. Bullock looked stunning in a tight black leather Elie Saab knee-length dress, Casadei heels and lack of forehead tattoos. (E! Online)
Let's raid some tombs!Noted pornographer and reality television mainstay Kim Kardashian is in talks to star in a reboot of Tomb Raider, according to "Hollywood insiders." Of course, the term "Hollywood insider" is often applied to forty-year-old bloggers who still collect their dead mothers' Social Security checks, so take it for what it's worth.If the rumors are true, the film will reportedly be shot in 3D and will be aimed at a "teen" audience, a brilliant move considering how much teens love giant bouncing breasts.Kardashian would also play "something very different to Angelina’s Lara," which we can only assume means there will be even less talking and even more interracial-sex. (ShowbizSpy)